Depression

Am i haf depression after go through so much this week...
Again evrything was self inflicting one...
i got the worst news one day of this week...
when i heard it my heart really sunk...
The thing tat i anticipated for at sem 9 was gone....
i suddenly felt so empty.....

After prolong waiting at clinic and the rudeness of the nurses there....
i suddenly felt tired about all my problem....
i felt like to default all the treatment....

The feeling became stronger when i was told that i need to bear with the pain and live with it forever.....
This seriously make my heart sank deeper...

Now i oso dun kno where is my heart...

do i haf depression????

i feel very tired, weakness, dun feel like going class, feel very doink in class, feel like crying....the worst part is i oso dun kno why....
is it bcoz the "bell loss its responder"......
Again all these are self introduced 1...

me myself oso dun understand myself....
Since when i became so weak....i should be able to overcome all these.....
i tot seing the 'grass' i will became better but why why it seems like make things worse...

i loss motivation to study...
n the Dr E keep asking me question.....i think he oso realised my doinkness....
i never felt so bad b4.....

pain

This will be my very first post which written in english....
i am reluctant to do so because my english is very poor....
i cant write well, cant pronounce some words properly n.....
this made me so inferior in front of my friends.....

k... let me start this post with my current feeling....
i think the disease was relapsed...
i can feel the pain....feel the pain of miss someone...
the worst part is that, the someone i miss is someone that i shoud not think or miss at all...
all the while i thought i am recovering...
but dun kno why....dun kno wat is the precipating factor.....my illness relapsed....
i am so worry it will kill me one day....

i am so stupid...i knew the virus would kill me one day but yet i exposed myself to it.....
i think i am going crazy soon....
the illness torture me mentally...
n now i cant come out with any plan of management for my illness...
so who can help me????

i doubt anyone can help me....because me myself dun kno what i want.....dun understand what kind of feeling is that....dun kno wat i am thinking....

the one n only one thing that i kno is i should not let this feeling continue...but i just cant control it....i feel so weak and vulnerable.....

k stop about that pro....
another thing that trouble me is the physical problem....
i really really really dun wan to be diagnosed with RA.....
u can say i 'kiasi' i got no objection about it......
i clearly kno the poor prognosis and the complications it will caused....

i just cant accept it....
why i wan to dwell on it fr the beginning?why dun i just ignore it....
i hate the feeling of uncertainty.....

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............