O_KILLER

Memories

2007-06-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

When someone used to walked into your life.....there will be footstep left behind....
These can be sweet or bitter.....
when the someone leave you out of sudden the footstep will become deeper....
At that moment you really dun know what to do and how to react....

When i back to reality, i know that the only thing i can do is to create more memories among us and treasure all the time we have before your leaving.....
i try my best, and i had done it....
but will you know and appreciate all the things i had done?
for sure it will be part of your memory NOW but i not sure how long it will last......
It should be just a very very very short-term memory for you........
I used to be so concerned about what u think about me, used to take very sentence u said to heart, used to hurt by you, used to dissapointed by you for so many time..... BUT i still cant bring myself for not treat u nicely.....
NOW i shall let stoey between us END with your leaving.....

Now what left behind for me is just your shadow and all the sweet memories.....
The things we had done, places that we visit, the food we ate and the funny phrases we use to 'cha' each other......
and the most important thing is i will make full use of all the informations that u shared.....

The fate had bring us together but it separate us so fast....
Anyway i really feel lucky and happy to have you in my life journey....
Although you are leaving but i strongly believe that we will meet each other again at somewhere sometimes....

At the end just want to say THANK YOU for your care, company and the sweet memories that u had gave me....ALL THE BEST in whatever you do in the future!!!!!

GOODBYE..........

Tagged

2007-06-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

Hai kena tag again....and here it goes....

5 things found in your bag:

Purse
House Keys/Car Keys
comb/mirror
phone
tissue papers

5 things found in your purse/wallet:

Money
ATM card
Discount cards
appoinment card
my own photo

5 favourite things in your room
Bed
food
soft toy
book
laptop

5 things you've always wanted to do

Go home
Be a doctor
Travel around the world
Do well in exam
Get a kind, loving, caring, good looking, RICH, sweet...... boyfriend

5 things you are currently in to:

Studying in library
Waiting for lunch date
Daydreaming
Blogging
tidy up my mind

5 people you tag:

Yen Shi
Adelyn
Fei Wun
Yu Ying
Khim kee

hai just simply put coz i doubt anyone read my blog and i dun have much friends who blog....
he he.....

Depression

2007-05-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

Am i haf depression after go through so much this week...
Again evrything was self inflicting one...
i got the worst news one day of this week...
when i heard it my heart really sunk...
The thing tat i anticipated for at sem 9 was gone....
i suddenly felt so empty.....

After prolong waiting at clinic and the rudeness of the nurses there....
i suddenly felt tired about all my problem....
i felt like to default all the treatment....

The feeling became stronger when i was told that i need to bear with the pain and live with it forever.....
This seriously make my heart sank deeper...

Now i oso dun kno where is my heart...

do i haf depression????

i feel very tired, weakness, dun feel like going class, feel very doink in class, feel like crying....the worst part is i oso dun kno why....
is it bcoz the "bell loss its responder"......
Again all these are self introduced 1...

me myself oso dun understand myself....
Since when i became so weak....i should be able to overcome all these.....
i tot seing the 'grass' i will became better but why why it seems like make things worse...

i loss motivation to study...
n the Dr E keep asking me question.....i think he oso realised my doinkness....
i never felt so bad b4.....

pain

2007-05-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

This will be my very first post which written in english....
i am reluctant to do so because my english is very poor....
i cant write well, cant pronounce some words properly n.....
this made me so inferior in front of my friends.....

k... let me start this post with my current feeling....
i think the disease was relapsed...
i can feel the pain....feel the pain of miss someone...
the worst part is that, the someone i miss is someone that i shoud not think or miss at all...
all the while i thought i am recovering...
but dun kno why....dun kno wat is the precipating factor.....my illness relapsed....
i am so worry it will kill me one day....

i am so stupid...i knew the virus would kill me one day but yet i exposed myself to it.....
i think i am going crazy soon....
the illness torture me mentally...
n now i cant come out with any plan of management for my illness...
so who can help me????

i doubt anyone can help me....because me myself dun kno what i want.....dun understand what kind of feeling is that....dun kno wat i am thinking....

the one n only one thing that i kno is i should not let this feeling continue...but i just cant control it....i feel so weak and vulnerable.....

k stop about that pro....
another thing that trouble me is the physical problem....
i really really really dun wan to be diagnosed with RA.....
u can say i 'kiasi' i got no objection about it......
i clearly kno the poor prognosis and the complications it will caused....

i just cant accept it....
why i wan to dwell on it fr the beginning?why dun i just ignore it....
i hate the feeling of uncertainty.....

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............

续放手

2007-03-18T03:38:00.000-07:00

不知道什么原因，突然间有道光在我脑里闪过，似乎在告诉我该放手了。。。之后我考虑了很久终于我有如桄然大悟般决定放手了。。。

原来放手一点都不难，反而是那么的简单与轻松。。。放手后的我显得更开心快乐。。。再也不用费尽心思就只为了见他一面。。。我慎慎重重的告诉自己我一定能做到的，不要在一味抓紧那不可能的。。。反而应该敞开双手让那些可能的扑身而来。。。我要更疼爱自己，不要再让一些不知所谓的人与事物来令我伤心，难过与失望。。。

我也要让那在我心里已久的烙印结疤，使它再也燃烧不起来。。。就让他永远永远的成为我生命中一段美丽的回忆吧。。。。

这一路走来我清楚的体会到思念是痛苦的，思念能让人魂不守舍，失去自我。。。这个时候的我是那么的脆弱，他的一言一语，一举一动都能把我伤得很深很深或雀跃万分。。。并不曾真正拥有过但我已被这虚幻的一切伤得很深并且很累了。。。所以我决定放手了。。。

没有人能够了解这段时间我是多么的艰辛才走过来的。。。或许这只是我人生中的一段小插曲与考验吧！！！虽然这段小插曲伤害了我但无可否认的它的出现也为我的人生增添了几分色彩！！！

希望我能坚持到底这放手的决定。。。我坚信放手对我是有益无害的。。。放手能够把带刺的玫瑰变成无刺。。。我告诉自己面对才是解决问题的灵丹。。。所以放手后的我并不会逃避，反而会更积极的面对与让他从今以后就只扮演着为我的人生天色彩的角色。。。

2007-02-28T07:28:00.001-08:00

经过一个月的煎熬，我终于做到了...首先我要感谢那些在这一路来帮助过我的人...真的好久好久没有享受过这样轻松的日子了。。。

但这样的日子过久了却觉的有点无聊与毫无目标。。。反而有点想念上课的日子。。

人就是那么的奇怪总在拥有时不懂珍惜，在失去后才哎声叹气...

这几天我总是心烦气躁的...但我却始终理不出一个所以然。。。。。是因为大姨妈将要来访或我心有杂念。。。我希望是前者。。。我不能让后者发生，因为我已答应自己我得用这两个星期的时间铲除心中的一切杂念。。。。。

嗨，梦想与白日梦只是一线之差。。。有梦想固然是好的但发白日梦可是伤身伤神啊。。。

好了新的一年新的开始。。。以前的一切就让它停留在以前吧。。。

承诺

2007-01-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

什么是承诺呢？承诺应该可以分为很多不同的阶级吧！！口头承诺，对自己的承诺，对朋友的承诺，情侣之间的承诺，夫妻之间的承诺。。。。

我再也不相信承诺。。。承诺也不就是废话一局。。。当有人对你发出承诺时，你是那么的认真与欣喜诺狂。。。但，当你发现那人只是在应酬你并没有打算实现承诺时。。。那种伤与失落感又有谁懂呢？

一月十四日是我的生大日子，我已期待这一天很久了。。。但，为什么这一天终于到了而我却没预期的那么兴奋呢。。。反而有点郁闷。。。是我在期带着什么吗？是我在期待着一些不可能实现的东西吗？是期待太高所以失望越大吗？

为什么你那么残忍。。。只要一通微不足道的电话或是一则短信，我就会觉得很满足了。。。但这也不能怪你，或许那只不过是你不经意的“承诺”，只是我一厢情愿。。。

算了，转了一大圈还是朋友可靠。。。他们是那么的讲义气，说到作到。。。从都不曾让我失望。。。谢谢你们，朋友！！

这一切失望与失落或许都是我自找的吧。。我总会期带着一些遥不可及的东西。。。

醒醒吧！！！白日梦作多了伤身啊！！！

放手

2007-01-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

放手听起来是一件多么简单的事。。。
但当那需要放手的人是你一切就变得不简单了。。。
每当每一个人或事曾在你心里逗留过。。。
那他已在你心里留下了深深的烙印。。。
尤其在这烙印还在缓缓的燃烧着时。。。
你更不想放手。。。
老天总是那么爱作弄人。。每当那烙印就快冷却与僵硬时。。。总有些人或东西使它重生。。。
那一次又一次的重生使那烙印变得更深更深了。。。
我的心脏会不会因此有了个洞而失血过多生亡呢。。。
我清楚的知道唯一的解药就是放手。。。
但，我却做不到。。。
算了，我唯一能做的便是抗战到底。。。
希望有那么一天那烙印能结疤并永远的留在我心深处。。。

伤

2007-01-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

去年的同一天。。。
一个宁静的夜晚,一阵嘹亮的电话铃声,捎来了天大的坏消息！！！
我敬爱的小叔发生车祸了！！！
他就在那短暂的撞击中静悄悄的离我们而去，不留下任何一句言语。。。
你的这一走真让我们有点措手不及。。。
我们对你的离去真有万分的不舍与痛惜。。。
这才真正的让我体会到什么叫痛澈心扉。。。
事隔那么久，我还是接受不了事实。。。
在我内心深出还一直期盼与幻想着他的再次出现。。。
我一直也有种奇妙的感觉他并没有离开我们，而是在另一个空间莫莫的保护着我们。。。
我们是不可能忘记你的，你的精神会永远的环绕在握们身边，永棰不朽！！！

知足常乐

2007-01-11T05:58:00.000-08:00

人要懂的知足常乐。。。
人的一生中有很多东西是命中注定的。。。
是你在怎么努力也得不到的。。。
正所谓不是你的就不是你的。。。
即然如此，又何必那么看不开呢？
只要可以尝到那一点点别人梦寐以求的滋味，那不就足够了吗？
又或许这是上天的安排，这一切对你来说是最好的。。。
你能够拥有这一切已经很辛运了。。。
活在这世上。。。只在乎曾经拥有，不在乎天长地久。。。
或许我不应该太贪心。。。我只要好好的享受和珍惜我眼前的一切。。。
我就会辛福快乐了。。。
我拥有了一段很短很短但却很美很美的回忆。。。这不就足够了吗？
好了就此放手吧。。。一切顺其自然。。。

暗恋

2007-01-11T05:52:00.000-08:00

暗恋到底为何物？那暗恋的感觉又是如何呢？有人说暗恋是很幸福和快乐的。。。但也有人说暗恋是一件很痛苦的事。。。它能够让你痛不欲身，忘记自我。它也能让你失去理智。。。为了他你付出一切。。。
在这世上有谁不曾偷偷的喜欢上一个人呢。。。当你无时无刻，不由自主的想起他。。。见到他时心跳加速，糊言乱语。。。见不到他时坐立不安，甚至用尽千方百计只为见他一面。。。做一切事情都以他为出发点。。。这是所为的暗恋吗？
喜欢一个人真的不需要拥有他就能幸福快乐吗？
“神啊救救我吧！！！我不能再让他影响我的思绪。。。分散我的注意力。。。我不能让这一切越陷越深。。。因为我清楚的知道这是不可能的。。。只是一厢情愿。。。但我为什么还总是会因为他而心情烦躁呢？为什么我会这么在乎他怎么想呢？难道。。。。。” 这段话应该是出自于一位暗恋者吧。。。。暗恋的感觉真是这样的吗？？？
好了一切就让它在这停此吧。。。梦醒后一切会更好。。.